The Midnight News 11.10.03
Posted By Hyatte on 11.10.03
Blame This, Politics, Tammy, Scooter, Looking For Love, Gossip, Booking with Backhair, and Kurt Angle
I read your column because it was funny. Now you have too much wrestling bullshit. Stop it. Now.
Mike O'Brien
Jesus… I can never win with you people.
But you’re right. And this week won’t do much to change that.
In your 10/27 column you referred to Roger Clemens as an "Asshole in every sense of the word". This seems to be a very common sentiment of MANY baseball fans out there; Red Sox and Yankee fans included. In fact, I believe that to be the case, but ONLY while he's on the field. I got to meet the guy in a semi-professional setting last summer (2002), and found him to be a very nice, personable, family man.
I used to work for the public accounting firm that has the authentication deal w/ MLB and the major memorabilia companies. The Yankees were in Detroit to wrap up the AL East (which they did), and one of Clemens's memorabilia companies wanted a bunch of shit signed by him THAT DAY. So, I met the representative from the memorabilia co. at the Ritz Carlton outside of Detroit, and later, Clemens. So, for a period of 3 hours he signed baseballs, pitching rubbers, 8x10's, etc., while I put the authentication sticker on each piece. During the time, he asked about my family, talked to me about my job, and shared stories about his family and how much he couldn't wait to be retired so he could go to his kids' sporting events. Mind you, this was the night they won the division, and all of his teammates were heading out to the casinos or dance clubs, while this guy is stuck in a hotel room w/ an auditor and a PR rep. And yet, he couldn't have been more pleasant.
Not to mention the fact that he didn't even _have_ to be nice to me...it's not like I was a fan, or a member of the press. I was a fucking second year auditor from Detroit w/ a big box of holograms/stickers. Afterwards, knowing that I couldn't (based on our firm's contract) ASK for something for myself, he offered a signed 8x10 and a thank-you for my help.
He might be a douche-bag-with-dickhead-on-top while on the field, but he sure seemed like a good guy in that time I got to shoot the shit w/ him.
Tad Dixon
So, no one is an asshole 24/7.
But up here in New England, when he was the Red Sox ace, Clemens was famous for his asshole ways. On and off the field it was understood that he just wasn’t a nice guy.
Hey jackass,
Q. What's the difference between the hot dogs at Yankee Stadium and Fenway Park?
A. You can't get a hot dog at Fenway in October.
P.S. Trish says hi.
-Jeff
Oh eat me
Hello rugfarts. I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News. I was all set to do a friggin’ column last week, had half of it WRITTEN by Christ… then my brand new, mega-jacked, more memory than Christ on the cross (and believe me, my boy JC memorized the face of every motherfucker who stood their and watched him hang) computer had a little hiccup. One of those damn spyware things infiltrated my machine and re-wrote my entire registry… by the time it was done, I didn’t even have an IP address. This was 4 am last Sunday…. So not only was I screwed out of column LAST week, but I can’t even take the week off THIS week that I was planning. Dammitall.
Anyway, as FASCINATING as all this is… we have us a full plate of stuff to get to. I was hoping to inject a little old school, high-octane, attitude driven COMEDY into the mix this week, but what I have on tap doesn’t exactly lend itself to the yuks. What I CAN promise is some major league ball busting… some hard core slapping of these net fools with their dumb-ass statements… a little reality for you… and Tammy, lots and lots of Tammy. It’s good stuff.
So, let’s get to it.
CRASH!!! AHHHAAAAA… HE’LL SAVE EVERY ONE OF US
I guess you’ve heard by now, Mike Lockwood, Crash Holly to you, died. He was found in Stevie Richards’ house in a pool of his own vomit.
Not 100% sure what killed him, but police have already eliminated the possibility that Stevie beat him to death. “After all,” said a Detective on the scene, “Stevie hasn’t beaten anyone in YEARS!” BA-DUM-DUM
HA!!
Anyway, someone died. Okay, so what? Happens all the time. Shouldn’t be a big deal to anyone outside his family and friends (and if you are part of either group, you really should skip down to the next story, what I’m about to write is something you really don’t need to see.)
OOOOh but did the net run NUTS with this… OOOOH, you motherless fucks
By the time you read this, unless I’m the ONLY person you read, then you’ve already plowed through endless… ENDLESS columns, essays, and message boards posts screaming for this madness to stop… DEMANDING Vince McMahon to do something about it… BEGGING the business to step in and make sure NO ONE EVER DIES AGAIN!!
Grow up. Just grow the fuck up. All of you.
There are two reasons why wrestlers die from less than saintly reasons: 1) They’re stupid, 2) They ain’t smart That’s it. Boom. End of story. Unless the wrestler in question drops 90 feet from the balcony because the damn harness didn’t work, it’s not the WWE’s fault… QUIT BLAMING THEM.
Wrestlers have it rough, sure. Those road trips are hard. Those aches and pains and bruises can’t heal when their being re-aggravated every night. Those broken bones and pulled ligaments aren’t mending when their being strained. That excess mass plays hell with the joints, no question. So what?
Hey morons… THEY KNEW WHAT THEY WERE GETTING INTO!!
Hey assholes… THEY ARE GROWN MEN AND WOMEN!!!
Hey fuckheads… THEY CAN TAKE RESPONSIBILTY!!!
This is their JOB… their CHOSEN CAREER. There are ways for them to make damn sure they stay alive for it. The WWE walks up to them and says “Look, you can make a lot of money for yourself AND for us, and we’ll help you… but you have to work your ass off for it.” This means you SIT AT HOME on your off days and REST THOSE BONES. This means you TREAT YOUR BODY LIKE A TEMPLE and keep it clean and spotless. The temptation is out there… but so it is n pro football, baseball, and basketball… those REAL SPORT people, for the most part, keep their heads on straight… they sit at home. They STUDY THEIR CRAFT and KEEP THEIR BODY AND MIND FIT.
Later in this column I have something on Kurt Angle and all the injuries he’s has cooking… think he’s taking extra-precaution to go another week in the sport? Think he’s pissing it away partying?
Then there’s Rob Van Dam. Now RVD likes his pot… and there’s nothing wrong with that. But RVD also stretches for an hour before every match. That’s preparation.
Ric Flair… the greatest wrestler ever had his back broken in the 70’s. He’s been known to get down and party himself stupid from time to time. Why is he still alive? BECAUSE HE TEMPERS IT.
Eddie Guerrero… he’s the hottest wrestler on Smackdown. And he was shit-canned for the same reasons Crash Holly and Jeff Hardy were (if the rumors are true), so what did he do? He cleaned himself up and said, “Hey, this is what I want to do, so I better focus 100% of my energy on doing it.” Now look at him. One of the top stars.
Trish Stratus… you know what this girl does when she’s not working? She goes home and does her laundry. Few women work harder or take as many bumps as she, very few other wrestlers, never mind just women, does as much PR work as she does. Surf the net, every person this girl says hello to has nothing but rave reviews for her generosity and her kindness. She has a smile for everyone. She’s nice to EVERYONE. Yet when she has a day off, she goes home. She sits at home and minds her damn P’s & Q’s. This girl’s gonna be a millionaire before she hits 30. She has taken the ball and ran with it… exactly what the WWE PROMISED… she was given the ball. That’s ALL they say they’d do.
Say you are a landscaper. You know how to mow lawns better than ANYONE… but you’re poor and can’t afford a lawn mower. The WWE is nothing but a place that not only has a thousand state of the art lawn mowers, but also shears, blowers, shovels, rakes, the trucks to carry them in. They even have exclusive contracts with all the best lawns out there. All they ask in return is that you wear a shirt while you work that says “WWE Landscaping”. It’s still YOUR business… if the owners of the lawns you mow like you, they’ll call up Vince and say, “Hey, this guy is good, you should let him cut more lawns”
The WWE gives back what these wrestlers give. The WWE is not their daddy, it’s their tool. The WWE is really nothing but a concept that has contracts with all the major arenas and pair of television and PPV deals. They give you EXPOSURE… they don’t hold your goddam hand.
Wrestling is not to blame… get a clue. If people die under circumstances brought on by their own stupidity, then they deserved it. Wheat from the chaff… since the dawn of time. All McMahon, and Jarrett, and Bischoff, and Watts have ever done was give them an opportunity. If they couldn’t handle the pressure, then they never should have bothered.
It’s called life, douchebags. The only tragedy here is how no one but me and Flea can seem to understand that the professional wrestling is not to blame here. Go look for something else to write about.
AND JESUS CHRIST… IF RAY LEWIS IS ALLOWED TO PLAY IN SUPERBOWL ‘01, THEN LEX LUGER CAN WORK A FUCKING TNA CARD!!!! GOD ALMIGHTY!!
And while I’m on the subject of telling these imbeciles off…
A GATHERING OF POLITIC WORMS
I forget where I’m stealing this… probably from that rump wrangler, Jason Powell:
How bad has the Smackdown locker room become? "This is the most miserable locker room I've ever been in, WCW included" said one Smackdown source who has worked for both companies. "This is the worst I've ever seen a locker room crumble." Keep in mind, it was only a month or two ago that Smackdown was considered the happier locker room setting.
Scherer’s big on this stuff too… carrying on about locker room moral and how people are miserable and how the politics in the WWE are at an all time high and how only the best ass kissers get any sort of a push and oh isn’t all this HORRIBLE??? And DEAR GOD, THIS IS HOW ENRON WENT UNDER!!!
Again, shut the FUCK UP YOU NINNIES!!!
You know that McDonalds you like to cart your fat ass over to every day for a snack? Well, the guy cooking your fries is trying to negotiate his way to the burger station by telling the manager how nice his tie is.
You know that gas station with the sweet burritos you microwave after you pound down that bong? Well, the second shift cashier is fucking with the drawer from the first shift so he’ll get promoted to first while the guy who’s draw’s being sabotaged is about to get fired.
You know that TV show you love? Well, the supporting actress with only two scenes a show is fucking the crap out of the head writer so she’ll get more screen time and the funnier lines.
That ball player on your favorite team? He’s playing extra hard because his contract’s up next year and he’s putting up the numbers so his agent can jack up the asking price.
That car salesman you met the other day when you saw the Civic in the paper for only $99 a month with nothing down? Well, if he doesn’t sell 9 cars by the end of the month, he’s fired… and they better be USED cars, so he’s gonna do whatever it takes you get you off that juicy little add that brought you to the dealership. And he’ll keep calling you to nail down a time when you’ll come back for a test drive, because he knows that if you show up and he’s not there, another salesman will slip right in and sell you that used car.
Your paperboy? He’s pissed because they are giving all the new houses to the kid one block over.
That construction company putting in that nice stone wall at your neighbor’s house? Well, the owner has been hiring Mexicans over Americans… they work cheaper, harder, and he’ll give them 50 hours a week while the American employee is lucky to see 20.
Here at 411? Ask WIDRO about moral, politics, and people bitching and moaning all the time. Think dealing with ME and my friggin’ moody ways is a picnic? Hell, not a week goes by without Grut screaming to Widro about something.
Politics and low moral is PART OF EVERYDAY LIFE… NOT JUST FUCKING WRESTLING!! Most of these wrestlers don’t even pay attention to it… they show up for work and DO THEIR JOB!!! For the love of Allah… net faggots do NOTHING BUT FIND SHIT THAT DOESN’T EXIST!!!! DON’T FALL FOR IT!!!
90% of all this stuff that makes me embarrassed to be a top IWC dog can be easily avoided if these cocksuckers went outside and got some fresh air for a change.
Wow… I’m spent.
BUT, PLUGS
I’ll have a brandy new Advice column over at Flea’s site in just a day or two… and I promise to put them out more frequently for a while.
While you are there, do admire Flea’s wrestler dead pool and feel free to play along. Flea’s just as sick and tired of all these net creeps screaming about how there are drugs in wrestling and it’s tragic and Jesus Christ when will Vince WAKE UP. It’s a nice, strong column. Flea’s good when he’s got something he WANTS to scream about.
And finally… because this is the crack where all the plugs go…
I remember reading Hyatte was writing a big piece on HHH for an upcoming AAT. I just wanted to know if the piece actually existed and was posted or if it was just a casuality of Hyatte's random "I don't like this wrestling shit anymore" crap.
Someone on a message board
Probably he hasn't done it since HHHating is en vouge in the IWC right now. Or maybe because if it's pro HHH he'll be accused of writing it just to be different. It's lose-lose, either way.
Someone answering that someone on a message board
What could you possibly say about Triple H that hasn’t been written already
A friend. Who happens to be a GIRL… so HA!
Oh you all are SO simple-minded
And Another Thing: The Taking of Triple H. Wednesday, November 26th, 2003
Trust me, people… you have absolutely no clue what it’s about.
Anyway, moving on…
A BITCH FROM THE SYTCH
The kicker is, the girl is enjoying doing this!
And… she’s GOOD AT IT. She’s as good a writer as any of these other feebs running around the net NOT named Hyatte (because, come on… I’m the best here).
And we both agree that Trish Stratus is a frickin’ angel… well, Tammy thinks the REAL Stratus is an angel… I think the girl pretending to be Stratus who I talk to regularly is an angel. (What do I care? Fresh lettuce is fresh lettuce)
This week, Tammy goes old school, and invites the WWF to follow suite.
Welcome to another week of rambling about simple things in wrestling. I was sitting here trying to think of something decent to write about, without hammering any points into the ground useless, when I got an email that sparked an idea in my head, so I'll answer this question and seamlessly make a column out of it.
Q: What was it like playing in the Karate Fighters tournament? I remember vignettes of you playing different people in them. Was it fun?
Now the Karate Fighters tournament was just some off hand promotional deal. But the concept is one that’s all but forgotten. Let’s face it, that was directed at kids. Sure it was just a cheap ploy to buy some new age Rock-Em Sock-Em Robots, but it was something clearly there for kids. While NWA was always a bit more adult, WWF used to be highly marketed to kids. While there were obviously some problems with that, it’s something that the "Attitude" era killed off.
Sure lots of kids still watch WWF, and they still make video games and
toys....but it’s not the same kind of show. WWF used to be a Saturday morning tradition, right along with Power Rangers and Cartoons. Sure there was Monday Night Raw for adults, but even it had a kid appeal to it. There were some fun characters, with distinct gimmicks, that often played up to kids.
Don't get me wrong I'm not calling for Clowns and farmers and dentists to return, but if perhaps someone like Mark Jindrak had been given a gimmick, and not just been another vanilla rookie trying to make it on a roster that already got 80 blonde guys in tights, maybe he'd get over a little better. Maybe it doesn't have to be NEAR as over the top as the 80's and early 90's gimmicks, but it could still be something that kids could like. After all, WWF is wondering where a lot of its audience went, and I can assure you lots of kids are playing with Pokemon games and Yu Gi Oh cards, and don't know more then one or two wrestlers. When back in the day kids wouldn't argue over who's card could beat what card, they'd argue over if Big Boss Man could beat Sgt. Slaughter, or if Ultimate Warrior could beat Sting.
Unfortunately that audience has been alienated. After all, WWF might have a character like the Hurricane that kids can get into, but his tag team partner? Well he's SHIT!?! Necrophilia, Drugging and marrying women, guys flipping people off left and right, people running each other over with cars, and old men having sex with their daughters enemies ‘til they die??? This isn't a kid's show anymore. I think WWF could turn to their old days, and add in a few more colorful characters, with face paint, masks, some spikes and a cool intro. Tone down the maiming, the sex and the boring gimmicks, and perhaps they could tap into the Saturday morning audience that could boost their ratings a few points.
At least, that’s my bitch.
Now let’s field a few questions. I've gotten some odd ones, as well I get a lot of people asking me for advice, I'm not sure if I'm qualified for that sort of work, but I'll try my best to answer the best questions. Let’s start out with Sasha, who is a longtime fan of mine. Thanks for the respectful and easy questions Sasha!
Q: 1. I'm sure you've been asked this a million times, but would you ever return to WWE?
A: Under the right circumstances absolutely.
Q: 2. Have you watched WWE lately? And if you have who is your favorite Diva to watch?
A: I catch them every now and then, and without a doubt Trish. I plan on devoting an entire column to Stratus very soon. You might be surprised to find out why.
Q: 3. What are your thoughts on Shaniqua? (Tough Enough 2 winner Linda Miles)
A: Haven't seen enough of her to form an opinion.
And, Q: 4. Out of all the companies you've worked for, what has been your favorite to work for?
A: SMW was fun back in the day, ECW had a great atmosphere, but it was the best being on top in the WWF's prime.
Now to field a few other questions and some responses from columns past....
Bill Sharp writes....Tammy I wonder if you see that while you were preaching about NWA being on the verge of breaking through, thanks to some good business plans and help from Hulk Hogan, that the Hulkster has faked a injury and is skipping out on the PPV. Your thoughts on being wrong?
A: Well, I don't think I was wrong. I surely never meant to say Hulk Hogan was the ONLY reason to order TNA. I've also heard, but not seen that as a replacement so to speak the fans got Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Rick Steiner and this week Sting...Not too shabby if ya ask me. Besides, I doubt Hogan has "faked" any knee injury as he has a history with them, and will probably work his scheduled dates for NWA. So I don't think I was wrong at all. Time will tell.
And lastly....
Q: Are you SunTam1 on AOL?
A: No. I dunno if it’s an imposter, or just someone with that name. Hyatte made the yahoo address, so if you’re bugging that person looking for me, you’re wasting your time and probably annoying a nice person. Just drop me an email, I'll try to respond.
That’s it for this week, thanks to all the great fans I have heard from over the past few weeks, and thanks to Hyatte for letting me share some thoughts, even if they suck!
Sorry puddin’, but they don’t suck. If anything, they encourage debate. so mail her and debate. Hurry up before she smartens up and drops me like a lead fart here. I’m sure guys like Keller and Scherer are already writing to her saying, “What the heck are you doing with THAT moron when you can be with MY SITE?”
Let’s face it, as soon as one of the Lords of Pain write to her with an offer (“come on, Mr. Tito will give you half his column to play with!”), I’m toast.
Speaking of which… while I’m sort of on the topic:
AIM FUN
AshishRules411: Your columns suck
Hyatte1com: liar
AshishRules411: All you ever talk about is Trish Stratus and Missy Hyatte
Hyatte1com: WHAT? I haven’t mentioned Missy Hyatt in months
AshishRules411: You do all the time
Hyatte1com: I haven’t even thought about Missy Hyatt in months. Shut the fuck up
AshishRules411: You mentioned her last week and the week before.
Hyatte1com: I HAVEN’T MENTIONED MISSY HYATT IN MONTHS YOU MORON!!!
AshishRules411: You did
Hyatte1com: FIND ME FUCKING PROOF AND I’LL NEVER MENTION ANY FUCKING GIRL IN MY COLUMN EVER AGAIN YOU FUCKING RETARD
AshishRules411: Hold on, I’ll get it.
I blocked him after waiting ten minutes.
This is why I had no choice but to go Buddy List only… I… I… I can’t TAKE you people sometimes. The level of… of… of inanity
Jesus H.
And what IS Missy Hyatt up to these days anyway? Anyone care to tell me?
So are we done with Tammy yet? Oh HELL no… because…
A BONUS BITCH FROM THE SYTCH
With all the activity going on this past week, and with Hyatte being as reliable as ever, Tammy didn’t want to wait around for me to show up again, so she sent in another column. And she swears she sent it to me NAKED at the time!
It’s been a very busy week, so lets get down to business. First off, you get two columns from me ‘cause Hyatte didn't get his up. While he said I could have the week off, I decided I'd do another mini column for this week, to go with the one from last week. I've got some interesting mail in the past few days as well as some random opinions and follow-ups from columns past.
First off, a reader sent me a email saying that "the fall from grace" is one of the reasons wrestlers die. I have to admit, that may be a good opinion. It’s really hard to go from being all over the TV and magazines and in front of 10-30 thousand people, to being at home alone trying to make ends meet. Wrestlers have one of the roughest lifestyles, and the fall, may be the biggest X factor of them all.
As with the death of Crash Holly, which as of the time I am writing this the cause is unknown. However, I will say at 34, Mad Mikey was on top of his game, doing some of his best work in years, and its probably not a good sign he died so early. Shame to see him go.
I also notice someone took the liberty to quote me, and I guess put a spin on it and say I was whining, that everyone was dying. Which, I guess is fine since we're all entitled to their opinion. The fact is though, people are still dying, and with each day the people become more and more important in the business. Does it take the big names dying before anyone does something? I mean I'm not sure what anyone can do, but something should be done sooner then later.
The biggest solution I see is, adding benefits to wrestler’s contracts. Let’s face it, when most people are on the road they don't see a doctor near enough. Even if you’re living a dangerous lifestyle, someone should be able to take a look at you and say you need to tone it down.
I'm also getting a lot of mail about Lex Luger. Well I got a opinion that some of you may not like, but guess what, too bad. I like Lex Luger. Sure he's developed a rep as a pompous jerk, but he's also a big name player. Face it, Luger has had several great matches in his career, not a ton, but several really good bouts. His last days in WCW, he was really working pretty hard, Magnificent 7 days, and was starting to become interesting again. Maybe it was too little too late, but I'm glad to see Luger get a shot in TNA.
Afterall NWA-TNA is offering ANYONE a shot. They have said they have a open door policy, to ANYONE, new or old. Hey, Hacksaw had the best match I ever saw him in, two weeks ago, maybe Luger can dust off a few moves and put it together one time.
I also read on 1wrestling about how Luger and TNA should be ashamed because Liz died, and Luger was arrested with ‘roids, and should never be in wrestling again. First off, if you need someone getting arrested with steroids to tell you this business isn't full of them, then you are ignorant. Lex Luger is an artist, maybe not your favorite artist, but like any artist, in times of tragedy you find peace in your art. When Eric Clapton's son died, he went right to work on a song, ‘cause it gave him closure, maybe Lex can find that closure in NWA. If he wrestles as good as "Tears in Heaven" is a song, you'll all shut your mouths.
I'm actually shocked WWF didn't jump on Luger months ago, when his 911 call bumped up Confidential's ratings to its highest ever. Luckily TNA is using Luger as a counter to Sting, in a well played out Angle. Where in WWF used Luger as a cheap ratings ploy. Yet NO ONE complained when WWF did it. Which is mind-boggling.
I think Luger showing up is very interesting, and judging by all the fuss online, I'm not alone in that thought. If it helps TNA and Lex Luger, good for them.
I don't have much else right now, as I don't have enough decent emails to field a series of questions this week, and the column from last week is just getting posted. So we'll take a week off from question and answer, and I'll be back next week to field some questions as well as a much more specific column in mind.
Thanks for listening, and that’s my Bitch!
She was referring to Flea’s very strong 411 column from Saturday.
See, Tammy understands that wrestlers have to take responsibility for their own actions… she’s merely suggesting that the WWE makes it slightly easier for them to take more care of themselves… of which I agree because it doesn’t run in contrast to what I said in the slightest… so HA.
Okay, between all this Crash and Luger and God wrestling is on a DOWNHILL SPIRAL and OH MY GOD, IT’S ALL TRAGIC and the LET’S BLAME VINCE, bullshit, let’s have a little FUN for a moment… by God, let’s talk about something I like to call LOVE ON THE INTERNET!!
MY THREE STOOGES
I know… I SWORE I’d only do this when the situation demanded it.
Ya know… when something drops into your lap… you just can’t HELP but run with it…
Ahem… someone is HOOOORNY. Who, you ask? We-he-hell, read on:
Are you a girl?
Are you between the ages of 18-35
Do you live within 50 miles of Edmonton, Alberta Canada?
Are you anywhere between 3’1” and 8’” feet tall?
Are you heavyset? Just a few extra pounds?
Do you speak English?
Are you white AND/OR Caucasian?
Do you ABSOLUTELY NOT smoke?
Do you maybe like a guy who doesn’t care about your hair, eyes, religion, education, job, income, kids, or if you like to get sloshed?
Well then wander over to Match.com and look up RSPWFAQ… don’t worry, he posted a photo of himself.
That’s right… RSPWFAQ
Over here in IWC land, we call him Scott Keith.
And as far as I know… this isn’t someone setting him up.
OR you can saunter over to lavalife.com , where he goes by the nickname “Netcop”… yes, “Netcop”… you heard me.
Of course, Scott buried himself in lavalife so you have to be a MEMBER to see him… I say it’s worth it.
Anyway, our old boy is horny… and looking for FEMALE love in at least ONE right place… (hey, Scott’s no fag! Good for him!)… although WHY he would take this risk with douchebags with nothing better to do with their time then bust balls like ME around is beyond me… and WHY would h… oh never mind…
This is about getting Scott some trim… and since I can be a very nice guy, I thought I’d HELP in with this…so for those girls who might not have considered going to places like match.com… I thought I’d bring his profile AND personality sketch here to YOU.
Who knows… maybe there’s a wrestling DIVA or two who might be looking? Wouldn’t THAT be something?
He’s right here, page 12 if this doesn’t take you to him.
Thing is, you have to be a MEMBER to view his profile… which I am NOT thankyouvery much… but you can be a guest and see his nice, very attractive (*cough) picture of himself that he used. At lavalife, he actually used one of THESE pics… yes he did
Not a problem tho’… how do you think I got this info? I KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS!!! And SHE let me see the whole ball and wax.
So girls… meet the man of your dreams… the man the rest of us like to call Scott Keith… the man YOU will soon be calling… “NETSTUD!!”
Basics:
"Writer seeks subject for love letters"
I am a: 29 yr old man
located in: Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
looking for a: 18 to 35-year old woman
within: 50 miles of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
my ethnicity: White / Caucasian
body type: A few extra pounds
height: 6’ 3” (191.0 cms)
turn-ons: Long hair, Public displays of affection, Sarcasm, Brainiacs, Boldness / Assertiveness, Erotica(!!!!!!!!!), Candlelight
sense of humor: Clever: Nothing’s better than a quick-witted comeback, Dry / Sarcastic: I'm not bitter because I'm single. Quite the opposite
What do you do for fun?
I'm deeply into movies and have a huge collection of DVDs that I watch often. I'm open to going to see anything playing, as well as comedy clubs, concerts, whatever. I'm also a published author and enjoy writing in my spare time, as you'd expect.
About me and who I'd like to meet
The basics: I'm a writer and I work in retail electronics, I have two books published with a third coming out next year, and all of them are about wrestling. And before you ask, I watch it because I like it, you're not obligated to like it, and in fact I'm more than happy to help you make fun of it much of the time these days. In fact, since watching and writing about wrestling is what I do for a lot of my spending money, I'm pretty sick of talking about it by the end of the day and I'm much happier with someone who has absolutely no interest in it.
I love movies, of all kinds and genres, whether it's watching at home on the couch or in the theater, although I still prefer the theater, which is why I'm so upset that we as Canadians are getting hosed on the Lord of the Rings re-release in December, because all the limited engagements of the three movies are in the US only and I'm confined to watching them at home instead. Going to movies alone doesn't particularly bother me because I've been doing it for so long, but it'd be nice to have someone to go with. Appearances and cosmetic considerations don't particularly mean anything to me -- I'm attracted to personality above pretty much all else, and the body is just a shell to the soul, ya know? By the way, congratulations to the Canadian dollar on rising to over 75 cents US today and screwing me over AGAIN just as I get a royalty payment in US funds. Bravo -- try dropping to 55 cents in the next, oh, six months or so, because I'll have another cheque due by then, okay? Stupid stable economy. If you're still with me, why not drop me a line? It'll make my day. And isn't that the important thing?
Appearance
height: 6’ 3” (191.0 cms)
eyes: Brown
hair: Dark brown
hairstyle: No Answer (HA!! You got THAT RIGHT, Jack!!)
body type: A few extra pounds
body art: Wouldn’t even think about it
best feature: Legs
Interests
for fun:
I'm deeply into movies and have a huge collection of DVDs that I watch often. I'm open to going to see anything playing, as well as comedy clubs, concerts, whatever. I'm also a published author and enjoy writing in my spare time, as you'd expect.
favorite things:
I'm eternally obsessed with Friends, Seinfeld, Stephen King books, The Simpsons, South Park, The Joe Schmo Show, pro wrestling, mafia movies, computers, melodic rock, TechTV, video games and a thousand other geek pursuits.
last read:
I usually have a few books on the go, but the last one that really blew me away was "High Fidelity" by Nick Hornby. It's the book that the movie with John Cusack is based on, and it's even funnier, if possible. And very, very true.
perfect date: Relaxed. Quiet cuisine shared in the unequalled comfort of home and served by the best chef in town — me
sense of humor: Clever: Nothing’s better than a quick-witted comeback, Dry / Sarcastic: I'm not bitter because I'm single. Quite the opposite
turn-ons: Long hair, Public displays of affection, Sarcasm, Brainiacs, Boldness / Assertiveness, Erotica, Candlelight
turn-offs: Tattoos, Body piercings, Thrills, Dancing, Thunderstorms
sign: Virgo
Lifestyle
exercise habits: Couch potato
exercise routine: No Answer (HA!! You got THAT RIGHT, Jack!!)
daily diet: Meat and potatoes
smoke: No Way
drink: Social drinker, maybe one or two
job: Retail / Food services
I work in retail electronics, where I've been for longer than I care to remember sometimes, and I supplement my income with money from the books that I write -- two on the shelf thus far, a third coming next year.
income: $25,001 to $35,000
my place: Live alone
Background/Values
ethnicity: White / Caucasian
faith: Atheist
I have no religion, but I'm a firm believer in everyone being free to deal with God as they wish. As long as I'm not gonna hear a lecture about burning in hell or have to convert to date someone, it's all cool by me.
education: Some college
I went to the University of Alberta for about two years, going after a Comp Sci degree before boredom, confusion about my goal in life, and money (mainly money) caused me to drop out and pursue writing instead.
languages: No Answer
politics: Conservative
relationships: Never been in a committed relationship
have kids: None
want kids: Not sure
pets:
I have: No Answer
I don't have, but like: Cats
I don't like: Dogs
And Scott also took a big personality profile test… which makes it more easy for you to determine if he’s right for you… (complete with funky bar chart to show where you two stand with each other)
His qualities:
Enjoys time one-on-one
Fair and compassionate
Flexible
Creative
He's smart, insightful, and successful in his career. He has a talent for seeing beyond the details in life. So he has a vision for the future and always is searching to find love and a sense of "balance" in his life. Because he's an independent guy and a little shy, making deep connections with other people can be a challenge. He's not someone who "wears his heart on his sleeve" so even those closest to him don't always know how he feels. Still, his masculine and dependable nature will draw people who'll invest the time to get to know him.
You may notice:
He can get so caught up in work and other issues that he forgets to take care of practical things.
He'll enjoy one-on-time with you, but also need some alone time to think and recharge.
Things to talk about
He loves to talk about big issues and ideas that effect people's lives.
Get him to talk about his dreams. Ask: When you were a kid, what did you want to do when you grew up?
Yes ladies… get him to open up… open up…. Open your heart to me, darling, I’ll give you the lock and you… you turn the key!
Don’t begrudge the guy, seriously… we’re all trying to get by in this mixed up, kooky world… and all of us need… nay… WANT to be touched…. Or is that the toher way around? Anyway, he’s a man, you’re a woman… now go slap bellies and make little Scooters with the beady eyes and the four chins and the like…
Erotica… Scott is into erotica… this… I’ll… I’ll never look at pornographic pastry the same way ever again.
This may be the funniest fucking thing I’ve ever stumbled into… I just hope he stays within his character and doesn’t pull out of this… seriously, people, I’m begging you… leave him alone here. Do NOT go posing as a girl just to screw with him. I KNOW it would be easy… heck, I thought about doing it myself… I wouldn’t even have to change my name. “Chris” works as both male AND female.
THE MIDNIGHT NEWS BOOK-OF-THE-TWO-WEEK-CLUB
Has been put off a week… just too much stuff I need to get to.
Blame the Jews
HOT ASS GOSSIP
Oh ho HO… do I have some JUICY little nuggets of shop talk to tell you about this week.
First, a couple of harmless tidbits which aren’t even NEWS really… just interesting notes:
-You are a net nerd, which means you cannot wait for Looney Tunes Back in Action to come out… but it has to be on DVD because to see it in the theater would mean you would have to leave your house. Either way, look for Goldberg in the flick… oh yes, he’s there. Of course, he doesn’t have a single speaking line and he ends up being the Tazmanian Devil in disguise… but he’s there.
-Before you start a fresh post/column about how the WWE writers are just TV writers who know NOTHING about the business, keep in mind that I have one friend who SWEARS… SWEARS ON A STACK OF BIBLES that there is at least ONE former TV/current WWE writer that has lived and breathed the WWF/E since he was about 5 years old and actually DESERVES to be writing for them. Apparently the problem is that his main job is to take the ideas that Vince and Steph have and making them semi-presentable for the public.
So next time somebody is bitching about "creative" know that they are busting their asses, they just don't always have the benefit of carte blanche. If anyone should get shit its the Road Agents - who get bonuses for high ratings, so they stick to the same crap formula.
Again, not exactly earth shattering news there… but it’s nice to hear it from a source other than Dave “Not to toot my own horn but, I talk to ALL the boys!” Scherer
Now for some gossip so tasty that I have no choice but to do them BLIND
-Much like that multi-billion dollar theme park located extremely south of the Mason Dixon line, there is a certain fair haired (au naturale?) veteran who has at least one requirement for any young lass looking for a fun time… where height is a factor at some of the rides at the Mouse House, our boy chooses only the ladies from the finest strip clubs who know what the boys are paying to see… want to scream “WHOO”, girls? Then you must be cleaner than a Dusty finish. And balder than Triple H’s chest.
-This, of course, takes one of the WWE’s few non-wrestling females out of contention, as she prefers to keep her privates thicker than Africa during rainseason. No names but I’m sure this news makes the cute young gal relieved enough to sing.
-Speaking of the girls, just because she has a few years on most of the young stuff, THIS WWE diva knows how to celebrate her independence by getting just as WILD today as she did in her prime, when she was still Being BAD. She also knows how to show the boss who’s REALLY boss. So while he gets reminded that older equals better, she has no problem letting at least one young stud sample the experienced goods. The freaky part is, rumor has it that it’s not always the boss first then the big thing next, sometimes, our eminently grindable girl let’s them have at her at the same time. Meow!
-Finally, diamonds may be forever, but when this invisible WWE Diva gets lonely, she likes to call upon this buffed up mid-carder for a little hard-core lovin. It’s good for both of them. He’s still looking to remind people that he’s really all man and she needs to show that she just doesn’t go after antiques with the blank stares.
And of course, this is all gossip, rumors, hearsay, and bullshit… Hyatte doesn’t check any damn sources… none… zippo… everyone in the WWE goes to Church on Sundays… that’s all I know for a fact. Leave me alone.
HYATTE BRINGS THE FREEBIES
So, I want to give stuff away. You know, take the column to the next level. So I asked Widro to scare me up some free stuff to give-away… like video games or DVDs or something. Of course, he said no, because no one’s getting rich off the Internet.
So, I really, REALLY want to give shit away… and I ALSO want to fuck with people… so maybe YOU folks can help.
If you have any spare passwords to porn sites… or, even better, if you feel like sharing a 1wrestling premium log-in pass OR a Torch V.I.P. pass… then PLEASE, let me have them so I can give them away as prizes… ESPECIALLY the V.I.P. pass… because I would LOVE to imagine Keller’s fucking face go purple as he reads me give away keys to his paying customer ONLY site. Oh that would be a GAS… Scherer too… he’d FREAK.
I can get into both already… (although I COULD use a couple of spare Torch V.I.P. passes, just because Keller keeps a close eye on who goes in and out.)
So come on, audience o’ mine… I want to start giving stuff away… and Widro’s being Jewish, so it’s up to YOU to help me out… don’t make me do something lame like give away money or something.
Think of it as you doing your part to help me bust some MAJOR balls. Which is why you’re here anyway! Thanks!
THE DUTCHMAN COMETH UNGLUETH
I’m pretty sure Jason “Vasoline And Lots Of It” Powell’s the one I lifted this item from…
It seems that “Dirty” Dutch Mantel is wasting no time establishing a little law and order with the TNA X Division kids… at the last show, he brought down the THUNDER OF HAIRY BACKED HELL down on these crazy, high flying kids for going WAAAAY over their time limit and just going on and on with spot after spot. He went so far as to scream, “YOU DAMN KIDS HAD BETTER LEARN TO GO HOME!!”
He was REALLY mad. In fact, ol’ Dutch -who is so old school he remembers the first time he put a T-Rex in the Abdominal Stretch- has decided that the X Division needs a set of stricter, more RASSLE ORIENTED rules to follow… so he laid down the LAW… the OLD SCHOOL law… luckily, because I’m stalking Goldy-Locks, I got myself a copy:
DUTCH’S NEW RULES FOR THE X-DIVISION
1) What’s with all these top rope flying whatsowhocallits? Nothing says high-energy more than HEADLOCKS AND ARMBARS!!
2) Stop shaving
3) Tables are for eating on, nothing else
4) If you gotta use a chair, use it to playfully threaten a fan at ringside, then put it aside and get back to punching.
5) Jerry Lawler only needed one piledriver to finish a match. You punks ain’t better than the King… no more 25 piledrivers in a row. You hit one and then pin the fucker.
6) From now on, you are all required to chew tobacco
7) Only faggots like Peter Pan can fly. You are allowed one standing drop kick per match and that’s it.
8) No more of this mamby-pamby chest slaps… punches, kicks, headlocks, and armlocks… PERIOD. If you want to get fancy-shmancy, you can do a Russian Legsweep.
9) I don’t know what a “plancha” is… but if a damn Spanish fairy in a mask invented it, then it ain’t no good. No more.
10) Powerslams make you and the fans dizzy. Lift them up, turn them over, drop them on the mat. It’s called a Bodyslam. Better men then YOU have won lots of matrches just on that one move.
Jesus… Russo, they NEED YOU BACK!!!
A LIVE MIC = DANGER
Great job and many thanks to all who sent out quotes for this and for movies. Keep ‘em coming.
*note: some of these may be wholly imagined.
Tag to Troy and he's a house of fire
Hey McMahon, gas prices are up 16%
What does that have to do with anything King? Why arent you watching the match?
McMahon, its Techno Team 2000. No one is watching the match - Lawler and McMahon, Raw in 1996
Now THAT is hilarious!
Welcome back to Grudges, Gripes, and Grunts.
Talking about your honeymoon, Ross?
Which one?- Jim Ross and Bobby Heenan: Grudges, Gripes, and Grunts Coliseum Video 1993
Well X-Pac make sure he know his damn role. So X-Pac whatcha going do when the 24...that isn't it...that's it, that's the bottom line cause.....that's it, to be the man! WHOO! You got to.....that's it, I am the best there is, the best, that's definetly isn't it....oh here it is. The most electrifying line in sports entertainment today if you smell-la-la-la-ow what the Rock....is cooking.- The Rock
I need some rats in my life. Would you be my rat, Hyatte?- Tammy Sytch
Why does Regal always look like he smells something?
And why does he wear his Grandma's doily on his head?- Scott Hall and Kevin Nash
And just so you ladies know… since I wouldn’t be caught DEAD at an online dating site like SOME people we know… heh, geek…
Whisper stuff to me in espanol and I’m yours.
Call me CHRISTOPHER and I’m yours.
Call me Christopher in a foreign accent and I’m coming in my pants right there and then… no, really… it’s happened before. Mom was SO embarrassed.
I’M TOO OLD FOR THIS… THIS… LINE?
You know, like with the wrestling quotes you guys are more than welcome to send in favorite movie quotes too… just make sure they are accurate.
There's a name for you ladies, but it isn't used in high society, outside of a
kennel.- The Women
What is your name?
My name is Nobody.
Excuse me?
My name is Xamichee, he who talks loud say nothing.
He who talks... I thought you said your name was Nobody.
I prefer to be called Nobody.-Dead Man
Father, your the only one that can help me. You see I cheated on my girlfriend with a woman I met in a bar. Now I can’t stop dreaming about this woman and my body's changing. I think she gave me a disease or something. What should I do?
Do you have a shovel?
Yeah?
Start digging, cause your in deep shit.- Once Bitten
Well, fuck that, I'm not gonna die. Not here in Jersey! - Citizen Toxie- The Toxic Avenger Part IV
No… no one should die in Jersey.
Actually, no one should live in Jersey either.
Fuck it, is there a way we can trade Jersey to Canada for at least ONE happening city? Like maybe Toronto?
And finally… we end this rather angry column on a rather angry note:
KURT ANGLE SUCKS… YES, KURT ANGLE SUCKS AND HERE’S WHY
Kurt Angle, maybe the best thing to happen to the WWE in the last five years, gave an interview with the Montreal Gazette and he laid down the list of his injuries: past, present, and what’s just waiting to happen again:
-Broken neck, surgically repaired.
-Six knee operations, three per joint.
-Dislocated shoulder.
-Four concussions, maybe more.
-A hamstring that peeled off a tendon and rolled up his leg, still being rehabilitated.
-Ankle ligaments shredded.
-Deafness in his left ear, which was drained of fluid probably 80 times before he gave up
He said that the fans expect things out of the wrestlers that are borderline impossible to do nightly, but he tried his hardest to do them anyway.
He saisd that his contract ends IN FOUR YEARS, and even though he’ll do EVERYTHING HE CAN to go the distance… he admits to working essentially on a week to week basis.
Basically, he admits that he’s about to fall apart before our very eyes, and isn’t confident that he’ll be able to piece himself back together. He’s on borrowed time, people… he shouldn’t even be wrestling anymore, much less doing his damndest to give something special… something EXTRA to the fans… for YOU.
And how do some people reward him for this? Well, let’s go to the DVD message board, widely known on the net as THE board for wrestling purists… certainly THEY would shower Angle with the praise and respect he’s damn well EARNED, right?
Yeah… okay…
1) Angle is the most overrated wrestler in the world today. He can't sell properly, and is constantly doing silly things in the ring. He's a very spotty worker, who I wouldn't put anywhere near the level of Benoit.
Edit: To clarify, I wouldn't say he's actively bad or anything, but I certainly don't see him as a super-elite worker, or an all time great. He's obviously talented physically, but he often forgets to use his brain (forgetting which leg he was working on, ignoring work done to him to pull off a big move, etc...). He, like all WWE wrestlers, is restricted by the god awful WWE style, but that can't be blamed for all his faults.
2) I shudder to think at how good Kurt Angle would be right now if he had a chance to go to Japan during his developmental days. Kurt himself lamented over this on WWE's Byte This a year or so ago saying that Benoit and Malenko always talk about their work in Japan and how great it was and how someone like Angle could really get over and work a great match there. Angle also mentioned how much he liked working Taka in dark matches before his debut.
3) As it stands, Kurt Angle is a very good wrestler who is still learning, and, through his constant pairing with Benoit, could very well reach the upper-echelons as a worker. Angle's flaws, such as shitty punches and silly selling, stand out only, I think, because of how good he is otherwise. He can take it to the mat, hit high-impact moves at the precise moments when it can either pop a crowd or infuse some drama, and he has credible and effective finishers.
4) Kurt is also very willing to learn (ie. his constant desire to work Benoit, his avid tapewatching, and his willingness to ask people as to how he can improve). He wants to get in the ring with the best and perform to the highest level possible. I can't fault that (even if he is pretty cocky).
5) Angle can't match Flair, Benoit, or Bret yet, but the day may yet come where his name can be mentioned in the same breath and be credible.
He just hasn't fully mastered the art of putting together a logical, well-paced, well-built match, without resorting to every single spot he knows and running around all over the place and ignoring his opponent's offense in the process. In some of his best matches, you see guys like Austin and Benoit clearly outperform him and I don't think that's any coincidence. But I do think he is entertaining to watch, but I just don't get how a guy like Meltzer tries to sell him as the wrestler that someone like Flair was, when he's just not as smart or deep a worker. Likewise for Austin, Bret, Benoit, Eddy, etc. He's just a good wrestler, with crisp offense and fine timing when the match doesn't run too long, and I'd rather people leave it at that rather than try to put Flair's robe on him. His match with Cena was very impressive though, so hopefully he can still grow as a wrestler.
On the mic, he's questionable. He's just either bland or not that funny as a face. As a heel, he has limitations as well, and I have doubts that he can consistently cut a really good, serious promo to actually SELL me on a wrestling match. He isn't very versatile on the stick, basically.
6) I think he'll be one of those guys to keep business steady, but I don't think Angle will ever be a BIG draw like Austin, Rock, or Foley. I just can't see him in a heated, money-making feud, in part because he's been booked like a clown most of his WWE career, and Kurt doesn't seem to mind. With Austin and Rock, their characters alone made them immune to anything, same for Foley to a degree, though he was more relatable, and you more laughed WITH him than AT him. Angle's good enough in the ring, but with the way he's booked, plus his lack of depth in character and mic work, I can't see him being the guy to bring the company back to glory, as Bret Hart believes.
His repertoire of moves is awful, just constant punching and suplexes and I find myself getting bored of his matches very quickly. This is probably an exaggeration but it feels like his only transitional move to offence is a German Suplex.
7) I get scared when I see Angle being compared to Misawa and Flair...
There was a lot more… you can read it here.
You know… you…
At least I’m fucking up front… I don’t get the same thrill for the business as I once did, but I’ll always respect the WORKER… the one who’s worked harder in one week than ANY writer has in his LIFE…
But when I see shit like this… I’m reminded why I lost the thrill… it was taken from me… from looking at shit like this.
These… pieces of… worthless…
Kurt, retire today. Go home. Call it quits. You don’t deserve these asshole fuckface fans. You deserve better.
Why even bother. Just why even bother.
No WONDER the business laughs at the net… LOOK AT THIS WORLD.. they appreciate NOTHING… nothing is EVER GOOD ENOUGH… no one but a few Japs and a poor Canadian with missing teeth who… well, I’ll get to Benoit some other time.
This is why I haven’t quit the net yet… you people NEED my voice… because precious few other writers seem to remember that these people they scream about are goddam human beings… fucking… pieces of… I HATE YOU ALL!!! IF I EVER GOT TO RUN THE WORLD YOU ALL WOULD GO RIGHT TO THE CAMPS!!! I’D RE-OPEN AUSCHWITZ AND CRANK UP THE GAS!!! YOU’D ALL BURN!!! ALL OF YOU!!! SCOOTER GOES FIRST!!!
Wrestlers are, for the most part, big, dumb, and paranoid… and they STILL deserve better than what the net has to offer them.
Jesus Christ… people bitch that I’m no longer a fan… seems to me that I’m still the biggest fucking fan online.
This week’s column – for better or for worse - is dedicated to the professional wrestler.
This is Hyatte